What Accounts for Connection

I’m a native English speaker who dabbles in very basic Spanish with the help of frequent travel, Spanish novelas on the tele, and lots of motivation to make the most of a Super DuoLingo subscription.

Last week, during a flight to Oaxaca, I sat next to an elderly woman who only spoke Spanish. She was raised in a small village in Mexico, didn’t have an opportunity to attend school, and was unable to read or write. I helped her complete her customs forms and showed her where to write her name on the signature line. With shaky but discernible letters, she wrote her name. First name only. Juana.

After we completed our forms, Juana was eager to chat. Due to the language barrier, we were unable to communicate beyond the very basics. I could only understand 40% of her spoken words and I know my basic tourist Spanish wasn’t easy for her to understand, yet I left the flight feeling extremely connected to this sweet, gentle soul and grateful for the opportunity to get to know her.

During daily life, I share native language fluency with my family, co-workers, and friends. Technically speaking, I know what they’re saying, yet I go in and out of feeling connected. So why did I feel so clear with Juana when she and I could communicate only the most basic of information?

Here’s the deal: despite the barrier, Juana and I were hellbent on understanding each other. Each of us also had very little on our minds during our two hour flight. Our heads were clear and calm. This made space for the deeper intelligence in both of us to pave the way to connection.

Contrast this with my daily life. Often, with my co-workers, kid, or spouse, I have approximately 40 million things on my mind. They’ll be trying to communicate and I’m simply not present enough to fully take it in. For example, I’ll think I understand what someone is saying in a meeting only to later find out they meant something completely different. Despite sharing a language, miscommunication and misunderstanding abound.

Juana and I could only talk about the very basics. But because our minds were clear, my humanity connected directly to her humanity. It seemed like we understood each other on a deeper level.

This is because connection is the natural state of all human beings. When we feel quiet on the inside, connection gets easier. We have a built-in ability to communicate and understand…but we tend to fill our airwaves with all manner of thinking, which creates a fair amount of white noise and blocks our communication channels.

However, because connection is our default state, we’ve all experienced simple yet deep connections with strangers on airplanes. Or chatting with someone in the grocery line. Or during synergistic meetings at work. Or while sharing coffee or dinner with our people. In these moments, if you reflect back, I’ll bet you’ll find a commonality: you were quiet on the inside. In this state, the natural intelligence of your mind was able to easily connect with the intelligence in the people around you. And I’d venture to guess it felt pretty good.

What would happen if we gave greater credence to this capacity? If we entered meetings with the intent to understand and connect instead of the intent to persuade or convince? How much does simple misunderstanding cost our businesses…not to mention our society?

I bet you’ll be tickled to find just how much richness and creativity (and cost savings!) is available when we manage to keep ourselves (and our thinking) out of the way. Regardless of language barriers or any other difference.

Juana reminded me of what’s available to all of us, at all times. I hope the same for you and your teams, your peers, your direct reports, your families, your friends. May your thinking slow, may your minds meet, and may we all reap the rewards.