De-Mystifying The Ego

There are lots of definitions of Ego floating about. Some folks hear “ego” and immediately think “arrogant.” Others perceive Ego as something negative or something to avoid.

At Insight Principles, we have a pretty simple definition of Ego.

Our ego is simply the thinking we do about ourselves.

Because we all think about ourselves from time to time, we all have an ego. Having an ego is not good or bad. In fact, it’s just normal. Our ego is simply our collection of our thoughts about ourselves that we’ve decided are important. “I am someone who gets things done,” is an example. Or: “I have a good sense of humor.”

Although it’s rooted in good intentions, sometimes our thinking about ourselves gets in our way. For example, if we identify as a team player, we may struggle with saying no to projects and subsequently overcommit. Or if we want to be seen as intelligent, we may unwittingly stop listening in our noble quest to prove ourselves. Or sometimes, because we want to be a high performer, we might lose perspective during a project and drive toward action instead of reflecting or refocusing on what makes the most sense.
The great news? Because the nature of thought is transient and ever-changing, our thinking about ourselves (Ego) changes naturally via insight. This is how we evolve as human beings. As a simple example, you probably don’t drive a car the way you drove as a teenager. This is because your thinking about what sort of driver you want to be naturally evolved. And when our thinking about ourselves shifts, our behavior naturally shifts as well.

Here’s a story about how our well-intentioned thinking about ourselves sometimes gets in our way. I coach my daughter’s U9 football/soccer team. I want to do a Really Good Job for my girls and foster a love of football/soccer while also developing their ability. This spring, while I was planning my team’s final practice before our final game, I found myself fretting at home, trying to figure out how to cram every last ounce of technical skill development into the practice. Because I was thinking so hard about how the World’s Best Soccer Coach might impart maximum football/soccer knowledge to 9-year-old girls, we were all in danger of having zero fun. Hello, ego!

Then it hit me: “I’m taking this session way too seriously,” I thought. “I don’t need to be the World’s Best Coach, not ever, but especially not during our last practice of the season. The kids had a great year and I’ve done my best. Let’s just relax about the rest.”

In that moment, my entire team was saved from the thinking I was doing about myself. I retained my very noble intentions about their football/soccer development, but I saw through the nonsense of thinking intensely about their last practice in my quest to be a good coach. As I felt my entire being relax, I realized we could simply play their favorite games for our final session. They still learned, we all had fun, and they ended the season begging to play again in the fall – the ultimate measure of success for any youth coach, World’s Best or otherwise. And, lo and behold, we won our final match 8-nil and, more importantly, I’m laughing at myself about getting caught up in my noble intentions.
Thank goodness I woke up.

When we wake up to the habitual thoughts that we have about ourselves, whether they involve being the World’s Best Coach or the High Performing Employee or the Subject Matter Expert, those thoughts lose their grip on us. And we re-connect to something deeply intelligent within. This intelligence upgrades our thinking and makes us profoundly more effective than our ego ever will.

Our personalities (made up of our thinking) and our thought habits about ourselves are not fixed. Being connected to a vast source of insight means that we can evolve and change at any moment. This presents an interesting opportunity to look inward, take a peek at the thinking we do about ourselves and have a little ponder about whether it’s really working for us.

So, in that spirit, we offer the following reflection: do you have a habit of thinking about yourself in a certain way? Is it serving you? If not, how might your life be different if it faded away… and you just let the kids (and the wisdom within) play?

Nikki Platte