Feelings or Emotions: Which would you rather have?

(Disclaimer: I am sharing just my way of using these two words, you may have them switched around. It doesn’t matter, the essence of the message is the point.)

A consistent message we share with leaders is the importance of being calm and balanced. We share this message because mental clarity, awareness, and the possibility of insight and wisdom substantially increase when we are calm and balanced. Many leaders intuitively understand and few need convincing.

Even those leaders who get it say, “Ok, I get it. So how do you do it? How do I stay calm and balanced?”

I always find this question interesting. It is like being asked how to digest my food better or get my heart to beat just the right amount per minute. The natural design of our human system has the intelligence and energy needed to “do” all these things, including running the mind in a calm and balanced way. Yet it seems a mystery how to be in a state of well-being and enjoyment throughout our day. Most people simply forget to orient toward calm and balanced in the midst of their jobs and the human interactions they entail.

So, when folks ask the “how to” question, I simply encourage them to be more aware of the difference between feelings and emotions and to anchor themselves in the best and deepest feelings they can find.

And here I come to my distinction between emotions and feelings. Emotions (as I think of them) are reactions to perceived circumstances or events. For example, if I want my favorite dish at a nearby restaurant, and it is unexpectedly closed when I get there, I can easily react with disappointment. If you get cut off on the highway, you might get angry and vengeful. If you lose an opportunity, you might feel low. For most of us, the mind is constantly critiquing everything (small and large) as positive or negative, liked or disliked, and we have corresponding emotions as a result.

Feelings, on the other hand, are a different class of internal events. When the mind is calm and balanced, feelings emerge that are not inherently caused by mental reactions to events and circumstances. These feelings are in the realm of peace, love, joy, contentment, and inner strength. These are the feelings everyone wants to have. We can find them regardless of what is going on around us.

For example, many people find these feelings during highly productive or creative states. Their minds are active and engaged while in the flow of work, or creative pursuits, or athletics, but their feelings are peaceful, calm, and present. For example, an athlete who misses an important shot but stays connected to their built-in feeling of flow and presence will continue to perform to the best of their ability, whereas an athlete that reacts to missed shots with frustration or dejection lowers their probability of high performance individually and/or decreases his or her chance of helping the team remain grounded and balanced.

Emotions – always produced by our thoughts – are the results of our judgments (thoughts). We like this or that, and dislike this or that. We think something is good and we have a positive emotion. We think something is bad and we have a negative emotion. For most, this part of their life is automatic, reacting constantly, most of the time with layers of emotions building on top of one another. This creates a lifestyle of restlessness – full of anxieties, frustrations and stress.

It doesn’t have to be this way. With awareness, we can begin to observe what is going on in our minds, and begin to back off from its relentless reactivity. Realizing it is all thought, we can sit in our clear consciousness within, and allow our inner balance and quiet to emerge as we settle down. With just a little time and a little thoughtfulness, we can begin to look for the deeper feelings that arise from our inner quiet balance – peace, equanimity, enjoyment and even our natural bliss.

Once you make this inner connection for yourself, you can make it your living habit, anchoring yourself in that richness that comes from your soul. You’ll be surprised how effective, efficient and productive your life will become, and how all your relationships will improve.

Our mentor, Sydney Banks, introduced us to the principles we now teach. In the early days, as we were endeavoring to understand his deeper message, we would ask, “Syd, OK, we understand, but how do we do it?” He would always tell us that understanding and realization of the principles is the key. After a while, he finally broke down and said, “OK, I’ll tell you what to do:

1. Stop trying to figure it all out
2. Get quiet
3. Look for a good feeling
4. And give that feeling away.”

The good feeling is already inside. We find it when our emotions are calm and balanced.

Ken Manning